Music and Pregnancy

(No. Not pregnant). 

There has to be a kind of mind, that uses music to gauge things, remember things, and just associate any and everything with songs. I have this kind of mind. My dad probably does, too. For some people, it’s scents, books, places, etc. What a powerful and wonderful little part of life. 

In watching “Dead to Me” on Netflix (crazy good), it dawned on me, that I dealt with certain difficult things in my pregnancy, by listening to certain songs as loudly as I could in my car, and I should start doing that again when I can (as in, when I’m alone). Then I thought about all of the music that represented such a delicate time in my life. My pregnancy with Lyla was magical, terrifying, frustrating, and hopeful all at once. Most pregnancies are all those things, and much more. 

Finding out that I was pregnant 

I found out that I was pregnant on a Tuesday morning, in August. I happened to be off of work that day; my husband, however, was having one of first, busy workdays. I didn’t want to say anything to him until he was home for the day. This also meant that I had to avoid my mom, because I was afraid that if she saw me, she’d know. I wanted my husband to know first. It was the most surreal feeling. I felt like I was in a dream state all day. My head was in the clouds, and no one could know why, which was kind of fun. In trying to keep myself distracted, I left my house to grab lunch, and on the radio “Forever Young” by Rod Stewart was on. I’ve always thought that this was such a dorky song. Pleasant, but super dorky. Cut to me, listing to the words, and sobbing in my car. Needless to say, I love this song now. As a parent, the lyrics are just perfect. 

Driving to many appointments 

My blood pressure while pregnant was really high, and there were some other little things that needed to be routinely checked. At the time, it all felt like the end of the world, and now I couldn’t even tell you what any of my additional OB appointments were about. For most of these, I had to drive to our city’s hospital (lol. city), which is a good 20 minute drive, through a decent amount of traffic. What was that about high blood pressure? This is where “Dead to Me” made me think. Christina Applegate’s character deals with her grief in some pretty dark ways. At one point she claims that her version of “meditation” is screaming along to heavy metal in her car. I know that I’m nowhere near as angry as her character, but I get her. I found her character to be super relatable, which I’m not proud of, for what it’s worth. Back to those OB appointments, that I’m sure I was terrified to go to; had some serious PTSD from Lyla’s CF diagnosis that I hadn’t even begun to process; and I was driving among the dumbest, most backwards population on the planet..Candlebox got me through it. Excuse me what year and lifestyle are we living here? I wouldn’t say that I’m cool enough to know or listen to a ton of hard rock, but I did grow up with it, thanks to my brother. Every once in a while, I’d dabble in some Metallica or Danzig, but it was (and still is) the song “You” by Candlebox, that simultaneously calmed me down, but fed the rage. Personally, I prefer their song “Far Behind,” but it just doesn’t have the right effect, in the right situation 

Lyla’s song 

Seeing as how this pertains to before Lyla was born, I’m leaving out our many current songs (think: “You’ll be in my Heart”). At the aforementioned OB appointments, her movement had to be monitored in my belly. The nurses and I would try everything to get her to wiggle around in there - music, tapping, talking, etc. There was only one thing that got her moving: “Elastic Heart” by Sia. It was so funny. She would move to other things at home and in the car, but when it counted, she needed Sia. She has always been the coolest. I wish that I could say that she loves this song now, but unfortunately Alvin and the Chipmunks don’t cover it, so she’s not interested. It still makes me smile to think about that being her song of choice, when we needed to check on how healthy she was. Even if she doesn’t appreciate that now, she does claim to recognize the theme from “The Office” from when she lived in my belly. Tough and an appreciation of humor? My kind of girl. 

XO, Luci 

Being a CF mother: a confession

I haven’t felt motivated to write about much, so I just haven’t. Simple as that. However, while chatting with my mom, at our Target Starbucks, while Lyla played with her new Princess Jasmine doll and had a cookie, I finally realized something. Something that’s been lurking in my brain and my heart for probably 3.5 years, and something that I’ve been avoiding. Lyla’s diagnosis makes me depressed. 

Yes, I am depressed. It comes and goes; and I do truly believe that we all have to go through our bad days, no matter the situation. This is a little more than a bad day, though. I don’t want sympathy. I don’t want extra donations for our Great Strides walk. I don’t want pity. I certainly don’t want anyone to worry about me. I am functioning just fine, and this is nothing that keeps me in bed all day, although some days I wish that was possible. I just want to say it out loud. 

I prefer to live in a certain state of denial. Lyla is really thriving, and anything terribly negative regarding her having Cystic Fibrosis, just hasn’t really come up that much. Why should I worry about the idea of her having a difficult time conceiving a baby someday (possible), when we could be in our backyard blowing bubbles and laughing and dancing? She may not even want to have children someday (but I hope she does, because she makes my life). We’re so used to our day-to-day treatments and medications, that again, the weight of all of this just doesn’t really dawn on me; until I’m forced to acknowledge it. 

There has definitely been a pattern of my acting out, starting about a week before her clinic appointments, and it usually subsides the second her appointment is over, unless it’s not a great appointment. In my case, it’s irritability and impatience (mostly while driving); wanting to eat junk; not wanting to look presentable (odd for me); and just general inactivity. Luckily, I have a 3 year old and a puppy dog to entertain, daily. They keep me accountable and in check. They get me outside walking and playing; and quiet in the car when I want to scream at someone to “hurry the f up!” It’s fine to keep these things in check, but that doesn’t solve the problem. The “problem” being how I deal with something so heavy and life changing. For the record, I still have no idea how to handle it. I may never quite figure it out. In fact, I’d be shocked if anyone ever did figure it out, completely. 

What’s strange, is what got me really thinking about all of this. I’ve known that things have felt “off” but I haven’t been ready to figure it out. I haven’t even wanted to try. I’m not even sure if I’m ready to try, now. It does feel pretty damn good just admitting how sad this all makes me, though. Back to what got me thinking: as many of you know, we’re taking part in Great Strides this year (a charitable 5K, for Cystic Fibrosis research), and I have genuinely been so touched by how supportive our friends and family have been. Truly, it has been incredible. My mom asked me if I was excited for the walk. And there it was. While I’m excited for Lyla, and my husband who has been a rockstar, the short answer is “not really.” I know how that sounds. It sounds horrible. I can show up and smile, and feel genuinely so appreciative, but it is still a reminder of this genetic disease that my precious baby happens to have; and that could really affect her life negatively down the line. It’s incredibly odd to love someone more than anything in the entire world; but feel hateful of something that’s a huge part of their life. It’s also tricky, because I hope that I’m raising her to have a positive and proactive outlook on her CF, while letting herself feel blue when she needs to feel it. I tell myself that I need to always be so strong for her, but I’m afraid that I can’t keep that up, without some help. 

This is the first thing in my life, that has made me think that it’s time to talk to a therapist. I’m actually looking forward to it, and am starting to think that more people should be open to this kind of self care. 

It’s definitely worth mentioning, that while Lyla’s diagnosis depresses me, being her mother makes me whole. It is my purpose, and my greatest joy. Raising her is a dream come true. 

You should also know that I’m ok with everything said. To me, it’s just life. Giving myself permission to admit that it sucks, is huge though, and I highly recommend it. 

XO Lyla’s mother 

Blonde Moments

Hello again, loves. I honestly don’t know if I took a hiatus because: 

1. It has been cold and gray out, and that makes me want to hibernate (which I think is natural and healthy) 

2. It has been cold and gray out, and that makes me want to hibernate (which means I’m slightly depressed. Not totally out of range for me, I just try to be aware. I have a wonderful life, but sometimes I get overwhelmed). 

3. The Momo thing, which I guess has been deemed a hoax, made me feel super gross about having any kind of internet footprint. It still makes me think twice. Expect to see way less of my little one on here. I might occasionally share some health updates for her, and mainly how they affect us as her family. I love her story, and really admire it, but it’s becoming more and more her’s to tell. 

I’ll keep this short and sweet. I’ve got some parenting to do here, very shortly. 

There have been some big pop culrure happenings lately: 

*Just today, Lori Laughlin and Felicity Huffman were arrested in that college-admission-bribery scheme. I can’t decide if this is hilarious or just really sad. I’m kind of leaning towards hilarious. 

*..Which brings me to that fact I sounded like a dipshit in my last post, defending Jussie Smollett. I still don’t even know what to think, except that I normally side with the underdog, and give people the benefit of the doubt. This is petty (duh), but I’m comforted by the fact that I couldn’t stand his sister on Full House, as Denise, Michelle’s friend. So, I’m afraid that something bad could happen in this college scheme (maybe one of the kids will be upset, therfore they’ll act out terribly?), and I’ll feel really badly for declaring it hilarious. Also, can we please note this Full House full circle moment? 

*Jordyn Woods = Idiot. Tristan Thompson = Dumpster fire of a human being. Oh Khloe, get some deep therapy; or at least read He’s Just Not That Into You. All kidding aside, that book changed my life. 

*RHOBH. Audible groan. Anything that I’ve publicaly mentioned, that is positive regarding Lisa Rinna and Kyle Richards, I now officially retract. They are not looking good in this stupid dog story. I think I’m on LVP’s side, but I’m waiting for more information. So, team Lucy Lucy Applejuice. Also, Dorit sucks. 

Those are just my little feelings, on these silly little subjects. 

I’ve mentioned creating a “Dad interview” series, and I have officially interviewed my first subject. It’s delightful, and sweet. I just need to get motivated to get it all written out. 

As far as actually blogging, and instagramming on my “blog” account, I’m still feeling out that particular IG. If this winter has taught me anything, it’s that I definitely need that creative outlet. 

Hope to be seeing more of you all, via this little corner of the internet. 

Until then, XO

Blonde Moments

I’ve been thinking a lot about this blogging thing. It’s fun to do, and I love to write. Like anything, I do have motivation behind it. The biggest is a creative outlet, and a way to reach out to other people. Stay at home momming is a huge blessing, but can be really isolating. The other (smaller) part of it for me, is monetary. I realize that you should never “blog for financial gain. Just do what makes you happy, and the rest will fall into place.” Ok. I guarantee you that are countless bloggers out there, that started out because they were sick of explaining to their husband why they needed something new to wear, from Nordstrom. You know, hypothetically speaking. I know you’re out there, DONNA. 

There are millions of ways to blog; as in millions of things to write about, times to write, reasons to write, and on and on. Lately, my whole thing has been do I have what it takes, to take it to IG influencer status? Lol for days at the word influencer, btw. Here’s the thing: Lyla’s health has been a “no news is good news” situation; plus,do I want to share details of her life as she gets older? Not really. Plus, strangers seeing her picture. No thanks; aside from all of that, I’m either too lazy or too busy to put the time in. I’m very much ok with that, by the way. Our society makes us feel like we need to be busy to be happy. That’s literally the opposite of how I live my happy little existence. So, I’ll continue to share when I feel like it, or if something big is going on in our little CF bubble. I’m just at an impasse when it comes to what my sense of direction is here, which I’m totally content with. 

Moving on, some of what I’m living for lately: 

Um. Andy Cohen’s west coast shower. I know most of you feel me. Lisa Rinna is everything. Kyle is fabulous. I cannot get enough. 

Our new furniture is coming this weekend. This is better than Christmas in my brain. I channel all of my compulsion into my home - for better or worse. So, this is huge. We’re also doing a few other little decor changes. Bigger things to come throughout the year. 

I’ve watched and rewatched Grace and Frankie, I don’t even know how many times. Lyla and I have each been sick, and it’s been freezing out. So we’ve just been laying low. 

Things that I’m not loving so much: 

(And by “I’m not loving” I mean that you as my reader might not love it, but I’m going to share it anyway) 

We’ve been listening to The Lion King soundtrack, and I’ve decided that I’m really not looking forward to Beyoncé as Nala (in the new version, coming this summer TO A THEATER NEAR YOU). She’s gorgeous, a great entertainer, and can sing like 800 times better than me..but I don’t really care for her voice. I feel so good that I said that out loud. Whenever I think of her singing “Can You Feel the Love Tonight?” I get very agitated. 

Are you caught up on the news? The actor from Empire who endured a hate crime in Chicago, Jussie Smollet, was called the N and F word, had bleach thrown on him, had a noose place around his neck, and sustained broken bones (I want to say ribs, but I can’t quite remember..). While this was happening, the attackers were apparently chanting “this is MAGA country” or some bullshit. What f*cking year is this? Why I’m bringing this up, is because I really need a MAGA supporter to speak up, and say how horrific this is. Anyone? Please? To restore my faith in humanity. People that I love, are on the Right side, maybe not to this much of an extreme, so I get it. This, however, should not be the spokesmanship that you signed up for. This is unpopular, and tricky territory to mention in a little stay-at-home Mom blog, but it’s happening and it’s very serious. Why shouldn’t we talk about it? What’s taboo here, exactly? 

On that note, stay warm out there, and be accepting of one another

XO, Luci 

Blonde Moments

We’re on our way to Lyla’s clinic appointment. I’m obviously not driving. But I am irritable. So irritable. Lyla has a runny nose (but seems ok). We have to see a new doctor today. It took me 3 hours to get through the Dirty John finale this morning, because there was just so much other (little) stuff going on. Not a big deal, I know. Anyway, I’m just moody. I would bet that I’m 100% nicer after her appointment (granted all goes well. I’m thinking that it will). The most important thing though, is that Lyla is not in a bad mood like I am, and is quite happy. That wins over anything else that I’m salty over. 

I’ve been thinking about 2 different thoughts quite a bit lately. Just the 2 thoughts, guys. That’s it. Kidding. But one is victim shaming; the other has to do with millennials, and if we’re missing out on the joy of certain things, because everything is so available to us. 

1. Victim shaming. Have you watched Surviving R. Kelly? I have not been able to stop thinking about the survivors. They’re incredibly brave; and heartbreaking at the same time. I also mentioned that I’ve been watching Dirty John. If you aren’t familiar with either show, all that you need to know is that they’re primarily about vulnerable women being taken advantage of - some women that you would never think would be in these situations. Men have manipulated them, brainwashed them, gaslit them, and abused them in every way. Men who are powerful, but really have some deep issues; and are sociopaths. I need something “light” to watch desperately, now. When I get really into something, I like to read forums or pages dedicated to whatever it is. Please tell me that you do that, too. One theme that I’ve noticed is that a lot of people out there aren’t very sympathetic to the victims. There’s an awful lot of “it’s sad but I was so frustrated seeing this woman allow herself to get to this point” or “yeah it’s terrible what he did, but how stupid is she?” In the case of R. Kelly, there a lot of people that do not understand some of the parents’ point of views. “How could they let their daughter go to his recording studio?” Don’t you think that these parents are living with that thought, every single second of their lives? It’s kicking them when they’re down. It’s really easy for people to say things like that, when they don’t understand. While I do understand the frustration and confusion, it makes me sad to see such a lack of compassion. In the time of #metoo, I don’t see how things can truly be resolved if we’re still blaming victims. What about the guy who never dealt with his childhood issues and is now taking it out on impressionable woman? Or the Harvey Weinsteins/R. Kellys/Les Moonves’/Donald Trumps surrounded by handlers that enable this behavior, and encourage their sick power trips? Personally, I do have a little experience with this kind of manipulation, in the form of emotional abuse. It’s not something that you can understand, until you’ve been there. That’s why I wish that more of us could approach these situations with more kindness and compassion; or wanting to understand, rather than just “throw away” the reasoning behind it all - at least from the female’s point of view. I’m really lucky that I matured, and happened to meet a wonderful partner to create a really happy life with. So yeah, I’m good now, but I know how sneakily and slowly sociopaths can control you; to the point that you don’t even know how to get yourself out of it. In my case, it was finally just walking away and never looking back. I forget what my point was entirely, but please just try to remember that we’re all human (except for R. Kelly. He is a monster), and if you don’t “understand how she let this happen” you really have no idea how ignorant you sound. It goes a lot deeper than you even could imagine. The only way to bring these men down, is to take away their power (money, popularly, etc.), so let’s stop giving it to them, by giving the victims the love that they finally deserve. 

2. Ok. A tad lighter. Being a millennial. As you may have noticed, I have a love/hate relationship with my phone (technically in general, really). It’s great to be able to look up whatever you want, whenever you want; talk to friends and family; buy a movie; listen to a song... I could go on and on and on. Here’s what I miss though: something like going to Blockbuster to pick out movies for the weekend. Ask my husband, I still have a huge hangup about Blockbuster. I miss it so much, and a lot of times, still use it as the ultimate representation of simpler times. I miss the novelty of things. Everything is so readily available. We had a fantastic Christmas. It really was magical with a 2.5 year old, but do you know how many Santa’s we could have gone to see? Thanks to Facebook, I was aware of like, 87 different places that would be featuring “A SPECIAL VISIT FROM SANTA CLAUS!!!!!” Not so special when he’s literally everywhere. It definitely gave me pause, and made me think of when I was younger. He was at the mall, and Sheraton for brunch. That’s it. It was a big deal. I don’t necessarily think this is bad, but to me, it takes the fun out of everything. I hardly leave my house anymore, thanks to Amazon Prime. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but there is an element of uniqueness and enjoyment missing in certain things, and I 100000% think that it has to do with current and growing technology. Personally, I’m going to try to scale back on using my phone (even more than I already try), and just enjoy the moment - especially experiencing new things through Lyla’s eyes. Am I nuts, or did this all make sense? I think I’m just longing for simplicity and novelty. This is a really interesting article from buzzfeed (I know), and while it’s more about job searching for millennials in this day and age, it still touches on readily available information, etc, and how it’s causing anxiety. An example is that it can be really difficult for a 30 year old to mail something out, because they’re used to doing things online. That’s pretty ridiculous, but I’m afraid to admit that I kind of get it, and I don’t like the fact that I get it. By eliminating some use of my phone (iPad, whatever), I’m hoping that I might enjoy things like running errands more. My anxiety always seems to go way down, when I set my phone down. This is just something that I’ve been thinking a lot about, especially since Christmas, and ALL of the Santa’s. Like calm down. 

Again, I have no idea what my points even are today. It feels nice to write, though, so thanks for reading. Also, feel free to tell me that any of this made one iota of sense. Or don’t, because it feels really freaking good to take a break from interneting. 

Here’s to being kind to ourselves and to others XO